For me, January 10th is a really awkward day. Big deal. Another birthday. The day I slid down my mother’s birth canal and took my first breath. Getting older is a privilege that not everyone is lucky to experience. After all, surviving 365 days in this crazy world is certainly an accomplishment. As I have grown older though, now in my mid-forties, my love of birthdays has deepened into a celebration of life itself, the start of a new cycle, reflection, gratitude for all that I have, all that I am working towards accompanied by the joy of being surrounded with family and friends. I have lived long enough to have learnt that what is beautiful and joyful is almost always fleeting and must never be squandered. Life is a gift.
On this birthday, as I retrospect, despite facing major personal upheavals in 2022, I would count the blessings bestowed upon me by The Divine that I may sometimes take for granted. I have the gift of sanity, of having both my parents living with me, the gift of intellect, of naivety, a trait that keeps me unaware of the big bad wolves disguised as lambs and my romantic nature whereby I believe in angels and fairytales. I learnt to be more vulnerable with other people, specifically with mentally challenged individuals; learnt how to push through tough times and stay relatively positive; made decisions based on personal interest and not the societal expectation; sometimes letting my brain control my actions and not my heart; learnt to do the right thing because it is simply the right thing to do; learnt how to be okay with losing and losing a lot. Maybe, being a 70’s kid who grew up on Cinderella, I am a bundle of contradictions where I somehow dream of my knight in shining armour who comes to the princess's rescue but being an overthinking professional woman, I do question now as to why women cannot be superheroes and help themselves out of any crisis. Along this journey of life, I have had to first learn how to get out of my own way, my own limiting beliefs and my own unhealthy sense of self in order to get the life I wanted. It is OK to be different. It is interesting how on our birthday, we reflect on all the connotations of who we are now as compared to who we were 12 months ago. What did success look like to me this time last year? Is it still relevant? Yes, I am another year older but am I another year wiser, fitter, and happier? So, I doodled on all these questions and what they meant to me personally. After all, a birthday is one of the few things that is individual just to you.
Yes, our elders are right when they say that health is wealth and that includes mental health. Our bodies are amazing machines but stress can wreak havoc on our physical well-being. I have lost hair; I have had endometriosis, and gained and lost weight. All I know is that the body can only take so much emotional and mental crap we lay on it. Many years ago, upon my parents insistence who believe in the importance of mental health, I started to see a therapist because I felt my life was not in my control, that unpleasant things were just seemingly happening to me and I had no say, and if I did, I was not strong or confident enough to change. Once I realized the impact that stress was having on my well-being, it hit me like a ton of bricks making me conscious of what I was doing to myself. Through the work I did on myself with my parents by my side, seeking therapy, reading and writing, I found a deeper understanding of who I was. Does this mean my life of worries is over? No. Not in the least. I am a caregiver of elderly parents now, so it comes with the territory. I am still a work in progress and will be till the day I die.
Secondly, I have come to realize that relationships are there to help me understand myself better. Relationships can be complicated. Heartbreak does not feel good, that is no rocket science. Like a lot of people, I tried to avoid feeling bitter and let down by either denying it or trying to avoid it by staying in an unhealthy situation. I thought if I gave in to heartbreak, I shall always be broken. At a particularly difficult time in my life, I was searching for answers to help me make sense of the drama that I was going through; as I was browsing through an airport bookstore, I came across this book by Elizabeth Lesser titled ‘Broken Open’. Let me share an excerpt and passage that resonated deeply: “To be human is to be lost in the woods. None of us arrives here with clear directions on how to get from point A to point B without stumbling into the forest of confusion or catastrophe or wrongdoing. Although they are dark and dangerous, it is in the woods that we discover our strengths.”
Thirdly, my parents gave me choices so that I got to know who I was and what I gravitated towards. I grew up in an era and culture where girls had to take a particular path: study hard, get good grades, adopt an established conventional profession, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Granting me the rights to choose as an individual, and explaining the pros and cons as responsible parents helped me cognitively understand myself. I have learnt that in order to lead an enriching life, I need to know what I like to do and what I do not. Try and fail. So far, I have gradually built up the mental skills to figure out the bigger questions and decisions in life. That is why making mistakes, and failing are just as important as succeeding. Confidence is key too. While the choices I have made in my life have led me to where I am today, I could have circumvented a lot of tears by having more confidence in myself. Believing that I had and continue to have value just by being here; letting go of people and abandoning places that did not serve my best interest/s.
As far as realizing the importance of and value for money, I have sadly been a late bloomer. I never liked talking about money. I hated negotiating my salary. I would tell myself that I just wanted my work to speak for itself but really I was hiding behind the fact that I always felt like I was reduced to being a little girl who did not want to rock the boat and be seen as ‘difficult’. It was not the employers. It was me. I had to grow up. I had to find my voice and take control over my life which included knowing what I was worth and hence fighting for my rightful share of the pie. What I would have also liked to embrace earlier on in my life would be recognition of living and relishing the present. I used to get so wrapped up in whatever personal drama I was in that I did not stop to just look around and see what incredible experiences were right in front of me. We tend to just get so lost in our own thoughts, our own emotional drama, we get lost in our own bubbles that we forget that sometimes, just stepping away, even if it is for a minute, can help us get perspective. Perspective comes when we bring ourselves to the present moment and ask ourselves, “Is this really how we want to remember this moment?”. I try not to take anything for granted now because I know how fragile each moment is. I have loved ones who have endured unimaginable pain and I keep their hearts close to mine so that I never take anything in vain by being anything but grateful for what I have.
I have seen all the shades of life, from posh luxuries such as a fancy house, car, a team of house help from chauffeurs to maids to chefs, jewellery, designer wardrobe, travelling first class, staying at 5-star hotels, eating the finest food, living the high life with the crème de la crème of society. Whilst young, I never thought about detours or changes to this path I was on. Life has thrown intense challenges my way, not the least bit instigated by me though. However, I go by the belief that these excruciating setbacks made me realize my ‘calling’, purpose in life and made me change my lifestyle drastically, starting a low-profile, humble life from scratch. I trust in something bigger than myself. Started expecting miracles. When my parents always say, “you never know what is around the next corner” and “all will be well” whenever dealing with frustration, anger and sorrow helps me take off that dark cloak that I hide behind. I am still learning the ropes and would continue to make blunders along the way, but this is the point of life, making it interesting, is it not? In fact, if my life were a movie or a book, the last thing I would want it to be is predictable! It is hard to say where the next 12 months will take me, there will certainly be ups and downs, but regardless of where the path leads me, I hope I am able to look back 365 days from now and see how much I have grown. Early predictions on that are likely to happen, eating way too much attempting to run and quickly realizing how difficult running is and binging some Netflix shows despite having urgent responsibilities. Here is to another great 365 days.